So, Monday morning, I was REALLY fed up of work and thought, I should really email 'Future Mr Chairman' David Haigh, to see if I can have a job if this takeover ever goes through.
Below, is the email I sent....It was worth a try, right?!
I hope this email finds you well.
I am writing to you today as a formal tender for employment.
I would say my strengths are varied, I am fantastic at coming up with marketing and advertising ideas I could manage any special offers, be them retail or match day, I can be your mouthpiece in meetings, I am VERY good at making excuses for people and can deal with confrontation well.
I am very organised and great at being a massively bossy cow and if things don't go my way within the workplace, I will make everyone suffer until I get what I want.
I would require my own office at Thorp Arch, overlooking the first team training pitch if possible as I could oversee what they do on a day to day basis and report back to you what they are/aren't doing enough of. I could also hold an 'open door' policy where anyone can come to me with any questions they may have, unless they are stupid ones, then I will operate a strictly 'closed door policy'.
I can also cut hair David, so I can actually save you some money there too, beauty & pampering is also important in a job such as this one.
I would like to work alongside you rather than for you, the main problem being I am indeed penniless, so unless you read this and think, 'Christ, she is exactly what we need' then I'm going to go ahead and guess I would need to buy a controlling stake in the club to do the above. This however, would mean me getting paid more than £*** a month, which I currently do not have.
I guess I could save?! But I honestly think you need someone like me. I mean, think of all the attention you would get too, I'm more attractive than Delia Smith and Karen Brady put together, I could do whatever interviews/appearances you don't fancy doing whilst you just put your feet up, does this not sound lucrative at all!? I bet it does.
I draw the line at making you a brew though, unless I am making one for myself you have little to no chance, but if you fancy paying me a visit in my new Thorp Arch office, feel free to bring a Costa....Please.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read through my brief resume. I can send you a lengthy one if you want, I just didn't want to inundate you with my awesomeness.